If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
