OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
