we have pet lesbian snakes
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
