Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
