I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
