cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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