Your face is a jimmy john
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
