Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
