just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
