So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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