I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
