he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
zippers are such a cool invention
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
