I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
