Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
