I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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