And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
