So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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