just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
