i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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