1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
