Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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