Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
