I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
