Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
