Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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