someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
