He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
