I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
