My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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