you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
