You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
