I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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