my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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