dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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