i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
