Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
