dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
