Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
