Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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