Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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