So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
