i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The air was thick with penises
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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