Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
