Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
FUCK WHALES
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