You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
