When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm really busy with my period
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