It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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