Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
