You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
