Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
