I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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