And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
