You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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