If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
