No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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